Oh oh! Now we've gone and done it

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Oh oh! Now we've gone and done it

Postby LadyHawk » Tue Jan 24, 2017 9:38 pm

There seems to some question as to who actually wrote this letter. Personally, I think it was Davh...

To the citizens of the United States of America, in light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II resumes monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Theresa May, MP for the 97.8% of you who have, until now, been unaware there's a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America. Congress and the Senate are disbanded. A questionnaire circulated next year will determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid your transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. Look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Check "aluminium" in the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you pronounce it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'. Likewise you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary." Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed." There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you should not have chat shows.

2. There is no such thing as "US English." We'll let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u'.

3. You should learn to distinguish English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). Scottish dramas such as 'Taggart' will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.You must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1.

5. You should stop playing American "football." There's only one kind of football. What you call American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.1% of you aware there is a world outside your borders may have noticed no one else plays "American" football. You should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every two seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies) You should stop playing baseball. It's not reasonable to host event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team stripe, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

6. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns, or anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because you are not sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you need a permit to carry a vegetable peeler.

7. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday. It will be called "Indecisive Day."

8. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left. At the same time, you will go metric without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

9. Learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't French, they're Belgian though 97.8% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.

10. The cold tasteless stuff you call beer is actually lager. Only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer." Substances once known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," except for the product of the American Budweiser company which will be called "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

11. The UK will harmonise petrol prices (or "Gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it) for those of the former USA, adopting UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon, get used to it).

12. Learn to resolve personal issues without guns, lawyers or therapists. That you need many lawyers and therapists shows you're not adult enough to be independent. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

13. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

14. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.
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Re: Oh oh! Now we've gone and done it

Postby rmartz » Wed Jan 25, 2017 4:30 am

Try to get any one of those through the state of Texas and England will become a new county of said state. :lol:

If there was ever a Zombie apocalypse, after one week, a notice would go out worldwide from Texas with just 2 words in it. "Send More!"
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Re: Oh oh! Now we've gone and done it

Postby davh62 » Wed Jan 25, 2017 8:17 pm

This made me LOL so much I nearly wet myself! The wife was also in fits of hysterics.
Unfortunately I cannot take credit for it. Point 1 has always bugged the heck out of me. Speaking of which we need more in game uses for Alooominium :lol:

Here's a few examples of stuff that may has other meanings to our american cousins which we have that special relationship with-

Pants. You call pants what we call trousers; pants are the things that go underneath.

Sneakers. We call these 'trainers' for some reason.

Buns. You know what these are. You're probably sitting on them now. Over here buns are either bread or cake rolls. Asking for a couple of sticky buns in a bakery here will mean Mr Crusty the baker will give you two cake buns with icing (frosting) on the top. If I went into a deli in Manhattan and asked for a couple of sticky buns I'd probably get arrested...

Spunk. In the US it is perfectly acceptable for a boss to ask whether you are feeling full of spunk of a morning (i.e. full of get up and go.) This situation in the UK may only arise when a director is quizzing a male actor in the adult entertainment business.

Toilets. Although we have a lot of colourful euphenisms for the lavatory experience in the UK (e.g. spend a penny, watering the daisies) we lack the prissiness of our American chums. To us a toilet is a bog, a kharzi, a sh**house (or alternatively an outhouse in more polite company), a gents/ladies but mostly a toilet. It is perfectly acceptable to be in the Ritz and request to use the toilet. However, you guys seem ashamed of the t-word. Hence you go to the John (where no-one called John is there) and the bathroom (where there is no bath). ...And a word of warning for English chaps in the US - never admit to eating baked beans out of the can. :D

Jock. In the US, big guys who like sport, women and acting macho. In the UK, a Scottish person who probably also likes sport, women and acting macho but in a Glaswegian (i.e. from Glasgow) accent. Which is probably more scary since a lot of people have difficultly understanding them...

Please and sorry. In the UK, no sentence is complete with either or even both of these words. In the US, the former is said begrudgedly and 'What's the name of your lawyer?' is said instead of the latter.

Fanny. To us the front bottom; to you the back one. In Britain, the fanny pack is known as a bum bag for obvious reasons...

I could go on but..... Anyhow enjoy for entertainment purposes only. :D
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Re: Oh oh! Now we've gone and done it

Postby LadyHawk » Thu Jan 26, 2017 12:59 am

ROTFL, thanks for your additions to the British/American translation dictionary, Davh. CmdrHawk and I both had a good laugh and he is filing the information along with his other important documentation on how best to deal with his British business partners in future.

I think we may BOTH need to take cover from Ram and his Texan kin, though. Scary, those guys with the impatience to learn tolerance and ready access to shotguns LOL.

Love you guys, one and all...and thoroughly enjoying the banter and laughter :lol:
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Re: Oh oh! Now we've gone and done it

Postby ForumBot » Sun Jan 29, 2017 3:20 am

On the topic of this, the US has already hurt its relations with several big countries including canada, mexico, france, turkey, germany, and the 7 countries that trump blocked travel from. Iran even closed its borders to all US visitors.
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Re: Oh oh! Now we've gone and done it

Postby rmartz » Sun Jan 29, 2017 4:01 am

ForumBot wrote:Iran even closed its borders to all US visitors.


Well, there goes my summer travel plans! :lol:

While many will fain upset, when it comes down to it, they need our money and trade. You will find many will soon get over their upset and find a way to deal with things.
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Re: Oh oh! Now we've gone and done it

Postby Mooncrest » Sun Jan 29, 2017 11:20 am

ForumBot wrote:On the topic of this, the US has already hurt its relations with several big countries including canada, mexico, france, turkey, germany, and the 7 countries that trump blocked travel from. Iran even closed its borders to all US visitors.

This was meant to be a lighthearted, satirical thread. Let's try to not get too serious, please.
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Re: Oh oh! Now we've gone and done it

Postby davh62 » Sun Jan 29, 2017 12:05 pm

Mooncrest wrote:
ForumBot wrote:On the topic of this, the US has already hurt its relations with several big countries including canada, mexico, france, turkey, germany, and the 7 countries that trump blocked travel from. Iran even closed its borders to all US visitors.

This was meant to be a lighthearted, satirical thread. Let's try to not get too serious, please.



It would appear humour really is subjective :lol:
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Re: Oh oh! Now we've gone and done it

Postby rmartz » Sun Jan 29, 2017 3:52 pm

davh62 wrote:

It would appear humour really is subjective :lol:


Fixed. :lol: :P
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Re: Oh oh! Now we've gone and done it

Postby LadyHawk » Mon Jan 30, 2017 1:47 am

Fell out of my chair laughing :D
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